she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
