I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
