It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
