im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just google imaged poop.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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