I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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