You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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