he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
