I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize
