we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
