I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
