Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
