Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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