Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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