Got a toothbrush?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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