Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fuck appropriateness.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
