Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
