I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
