some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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