Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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