Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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