holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
