She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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