I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
