Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
