literally had 100 drinks last night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
