they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
