nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
