Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
