I feel great
I just peed on a car
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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