I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
