You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
