First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
