Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
