also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
