I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
