I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
