She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
