I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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