I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
