you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
