Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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