If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Someone shit on the floor
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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