i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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