whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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