I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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