thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
