What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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