Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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