Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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