If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
